Unrequited

I'm okay with not needing you. You fed me when I was full and let me starve when I am famished. You accidentally play me and I feel it in my emotions. You lie with me but won't touch me. You tell me pretty things but don't show any truth in them. You don't want to hurt me but I'm becoming too used to you. I'm believing the lies you feed to me, but even worse I'm believing the lies I feed myself. I smell you when you aren't near me. I feel you when I'm ridden with anxiety. You love me but you can't love me like that. You love him and I'm just stuck in my head. I feel you use me. I feel it like a hook in the mouth of a fish. Tempted by your bait and strung along for your sport. You only call me when you're lonely. You only touch me when you're scared. You only need me when he's not there. You only like me when I'm there. You don't know if you want me or you want to please yourself. You don't mean to hurt me but I know you will. I think you're special and you like me too. That won't stop you from hitting the breaks too soon. I slowly realize every guy is just the same. The day will come when I forget you. I'll lose you in the past with all my other toys. I'm used to it by now and it's a common chore. I'm okay with knowing it can't be you.

Alone in My Head.

I don't want to be alone in my head. I'm sick of the emptiness and the demons under my lonely bed. I breathe in sulphur before I dive into pools of monsters.
I wonder if I'll cry myself asleep tonight or if instead I'll force my eyes to see black as I drift off in a harmless reset.
I'm scared to make a change but rotting in my body as everything stays the same.
I make the same mistakes and I feel too dirty to ask to take them away. I tiptoe around the darkness as it sleeps but hibernation comes to an end and it feasts. You don't appreciate a healthy mind until it catches an illness that's chronic and poisons your life. People ask if I'm okay and I don't know what to say because I'm alive and it hurts inside but I don't know why. I just say I'm fine. I scream for help but only in the safety of my thoughts. I fear being a problem so I keep my voice silent. I crave attention but fear rejection so I hurt myself so no one else can. I know my thoughts are melodramatic so I keep to myself. I trust no one but myself so I'm stuck all alone in my head.

Rope Burns.

You roped my heart. You roped my heart and left rope burns on my skin. You tied yourself around me then set me free with tied wrists. Ropes can tie knots and knots can tie nooses. Kindness is truly a silent killer as it haunts me at night. Beauty is an over rated thing until you see it in someone's eyes. Fuck cravings of shallow measure when the deep end sucks you under. Cravings are just cravings until you make it a withdrawal. The truth is we hurt ourselves and blame our lovers. Something doesn't let me get close, but you find a way in and turn my philosophy into facts. You're beautiful and everybody knows it except you. Everyone forgets that good people can be parasites too. You suck on my heart making it light and leave it weak. You give me no time to fight your infection and my body concedes. When you leave like you do I feel my mind going crazy. Thoughts of you litter my consciousness like a beach consumed with garbage. I tell you to leave but I like the way you poison my ocean. You are oblivious like a dove's first flight. Natural and frightening yet many array. You're beautiful but you don't see it, like a firefly that lights up the darkness of a dark porch. I want you to want me. I know it's not real but I feel like it is. I think I like you but you don't really like me. I continue to hurt myself and blame you. It's easier to cast blame than admit there is something wrong with you.

The Beauty in Sin

There's so much beauty in sin.
Our world is broken form of what it should be. But When you love something, you love something, you love it as it is and not what it's supposed to be.
Through all of this hate, the flowers bloom and the sun shines on brightening the sky. The darkness may come, but it always goes, that's the way God intended it to be.
When you don't feeling anything, it seems impossible to find your path in life, but it's still there set and stone, your purpose never goes away.
Start by telling the moon, then tell the sun and then the whole galaxy will help you find your way home.
There may be black holes, that suck away everything and show you the lies of peace. It's tempting I know, but if you just look to the side you'll see me and all the stars, we believe you'll find a better way.
It's all just a game to the devil who prays on your hurt and sinful mind.
Don't let him win, find your fight within, spread love instead of sin.

Alive & Alone.

You make me want to feel alive.
Maybe it’s the danger that you bring with your words.
Maybe it’s the possibilities of changing your course.
You make me want to feel wanted.
Maybe it’s your body and the way that you move.
Maybe it’s just me and my thirst for how wrong you are.
You make me want to feel at peace.
Maybe it’s the way my entire body craves you.
Maybe it’s the anxiety of trying to be yours.
You make me want to be naive.
Maybe it’s because I know you’re not who I want you to be
Maybe its because I want you to want me.
You make me want to lose my innocence.
Maybe it’s cause I know what you want.
Maybe I want something over nothing.
You make me want to not feel alone.
Maybe I want to know you better than anyone else.
But I think I’d take anyone over myself.

Pain.

I feel like my body is made of death. I can feel the aches and strains that come with sickness and old age. But I’m young and alive but it feels like I’m 75. I have pain and I have anger that I can’t understand so I don’t know how to let it out of its cage. I feel vast, like in space like theres too much to know and feel. But no time or confidence to take off. Half of the time I can’t even cry because my body reacts so wrong. I can’t cry so I shake and my heart beats until I break. I fear what I can’t help or stop because everything comes to an end.

Lost Lover

IMG_8435.JPGI hope nobody finds me as I call for help, cause I wouldn’t find pleasure in a Prince Charming as I should.
I wish I could love you the way that I should the way that the movies tell me it should be. But I feel stupid and invalid,
For the circumstances never tied together with how I felt.
I crave for the feeling that suffocates you in but sit in the car with the window up while my eyes watch my fingers type on a screen that lacks depth.
When I see him it doesn’t hurt anymore, but I’d rather take pain than the feeling of my chest remembering what it feels like to look forward to waking up in the morning.
I want him to love me the way I love the girl That i see in the mirror with blush on her lips and cheeks, smiling at a song that she doesn’t understanding playing so loudly that she wishes she can reach.
I need to figure out so many things, one being why I still look for you in my dreams.
I want to feel passion, the tingle of desire and wanting, I want to lose myself in a person. But maybe I want to feel nothing. I haven’t decided.
I want to love you forever until my hearts finally stops, so I can finally feel real and not stuck by the letters of the word unrequited. but I don’t know who you are yet and I fear I never will.
I want you to make me cry so I know that it’s real. I can love with my everything but no one gives me the chance. Even after everything I say I still believe that souls cross paths and entwine like thread that makes up a persons basket heart. The problem is nobody thinks like me.
I think I know what I want but don’t ask me to tell because I dont know my mind very well.
I feel it in my chest and it aches to come out a super nova in space that finally lets it all out where our homes find their temperature house.
I feel trapped by my body, my celestial form, it holds all that should be and all that is known.
I want purpose, I want drive, I want to be so consumed that I can’t feel alive unless I’m with you, but nobody feels this throb.
I think with my books but My words are not mine and don’t ask me to fix it because there’s no way inside.
When it all comes to daylight I don’t wish for change anymore cause I’m used to the cold sense of reality waking me up from my dreams of much more.
I want to feel what I think and say how I feel but I’m afraid that she tricked me with her age and expectations of princesses and magic.
I have too much to say and my brain can’t keep up with what I already know and how it’s turned into questions that go unanswered in my thoughts.

Unknown

Darkness can hit like a house losing power in a storm. Paralyzing you with instant fear and regret that you didn’t prepare your house more.
Cause Some people only get first degree burns while others are devoured by flames.
I find myself screaming while keeping my face dirty with reds and blacks and browns and pinks that hide what I wish to Say.
I want to cry but I can’t find the motivation
Or keep the same feelings for more than a minute.
Please don’t mind me I think I’m dying again but please go along with poisoning your lungs. I have a lot to say but no room to talk because I’m swallowing a shot from on top of my fridge that tastes like hypocrisy with a hint of cinnamon.
My life feels like a riptide in a swimming pool, I forget i can drown while my feet touch the floor.
I cant remember what people think of me. but I hear myself spit and think things I shouldn’t as I claim to be innocent.
I can still see the beauty in life the way that it should be before it was broken and burned to the ground by reality.
The ghosts whisper evidence and throw pieces of me at the world, hoping that I find myself before I let someone else.
But the ghosts are liars by nature hidden by their sins because they lack Gods pleasure.